I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
