Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
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You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
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Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I AM VODKA MAN
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house