I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
