I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
