my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
