I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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