His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
