yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
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I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
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Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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