If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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