one word: firstdatebathroomanal
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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