I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Randomize
