i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
