Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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