Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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