i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
