Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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