Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?