Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
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My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
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You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.