I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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