I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
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The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
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I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize