Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
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she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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