I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
