masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Less talking, more tequila
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
