peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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