I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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