there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
