I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
