So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
