just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
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she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
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Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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