I am spending my child support on dildos
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
