his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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