i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
