Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
