kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
