I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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