Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
