Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
