I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
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