Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
