Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
