Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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