the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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