I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
