Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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