You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
