I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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