I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
