Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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