Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
