yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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