Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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