last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
