We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
