Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
