we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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