More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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