i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
